1 week post-op. healing great, just got my drains out yesterday and saw my chest for the first time. weird to think that this is real and happening but im very happy. few more weeks of recovery and just laying around getting better. still in the ace wrap while things heal so it just feels like binding 24/7. cant wait for summer without a binder tho. no sunlight exposure for my scars for 12 months so shirtless summer will have to be next year. my surgeon and her team was super cool and awesome thru everything. been playing insane amounts of stardew valley lately. also read the first 8 volumes of dungeon meshi and spottedly watching the anime (the first two and the most recent episode). unsurprisingly, izutsumi brat baby my beloved. also very coincidentally my bf is built exactly like senshi and cooking is his passion. very funny very cool (very hot).

4 more days till top surgery. going to a museum the day before, maybe getting some ihop right next to the hotel. my last day of work is thursday and then i start my new job at the end of may when i'm considered 'recovered' enough to work. back to an old classic favorite video game, assassin's creed origins. killed like 10 people by climbing to the tallest point and sniping them from above which works pretty well if you have enough arrows (lesson learned). got lots of crafts to do, books to read, and shows/movies to watch while i recover. i have kept 3 houseplants alive somehow. accomplishment. still in therapy. as usual. bf birthday soon and i got his gifts all set, hopefully able to wrap them before surgery.

happy 'neil banging out the tunes' day and homestuck day to all those who celebrate. top surgery in two weeks (cue 'Saturday' by FOB). we're literally gonna crucify and burn my old binder. going to try and donate my other binders and transtape and stuff to someone who needs it cus that shit expensive. been playing subnautica survival mode (freedom mode, so like easy mode) and i am so so scared of everything. all of the monsters hurt me and i hate it. every time i don't like something i go "this is nothing like minecraft" and i think it's going to make my bf go nuts. speaking of bf, this man sleeps with a pillow on top of his head like thats fucking normal? there are 4 blankets, 6 pillows, 3 pillow pets, and a handful of other stuffed animals in our bed, and I sleep with one blanket and one to two pillows. he sleeps with the rest either piled on top of him or stuffed between him and the wall. what the fuck. freak. (I love him so much).

top surgery in 24 days. pre-op went good. kind of hilarious to hear the PA call me a "healthy young man" but it means we're all clear. boyfriend moved in and settled, great for my chronic pain and fatigue (and insane sex drive tbh). FOB concert was awesome, got cool merch + close up shots of pete wentz's ass. work is hell and my meds are wack but i finally have an intake with a psychiatrist in may so we just gotta make it until then. started playing subnautica creative mode supervised by my subnautica fan bf who is eternally frustrated by how bad i am at every video game i play. very fun experience. 0 car crashes since last time. somehow.

whew am I bad at updating this shit. top surgery soon. finally told my dad and he was abnormally chill. boyfriend moving in ASAP. cleaned room in prep so he has room for his stuff. FOB concert in two weeks. pre-op for top surgery this tuesday. did not get the cancer job. hired on the spot for new job as a vampire (phlebotomy tech) tho. shes sayin shit like "i see a lot of myself in you" and "i love what you stand for" and im thinkin "oh i have GOT this one". gonna be working 4am to 4pm tho. this starts right after my surgery. got my drivers license and then proceeded to get into two accidents so now im terrified of driving lol.

interview went good, they knew my old boss and asked her about me and she said nice things :3 but they said i'd hear back in 2-3 weeks and im still waiting and checking my email obsessively. failed first road test in 6 minutes flat. next attempt is tomorrow. dad said he would think about bf moving it but it would most likely be yes. waiting on final decision. also, top surgery is in 2 months now! primary doc is going to mess around with further testing and potentially pain clinic referrals for my chronic pain. it is getting bad :)

life updates: still neglecting the site for flight rising. my depression room is a nightmare. getting some sleep with the new meds. boss gave me her transfer authorization and i got an interview with the cancer clinic in the span of like, two days. interview is at 7am which means i have to be up at 5am which. sucks. also have my road test for my driver's license next week. going to ask my dad soon if my bf can move in. hope that goes well. going to try and clean my room today. wish me luck with everything.

finally got the book i was waiting for from the library after months of waiting so i was able to knock back 4 volumes of the manga im reading this weekend. been neglecting the site and playing a lot of flight rising recently. gonna finally send this email to my boss to let her know I'm looking elsewhere for work and that I can't stand my job, so wish me the best of luck with that! new sleep meds I'm on have had the best success of any other med which is awesome; might start finally getting some sleep! other than that, no big updates. have a few ideas for this site but no motivation or energy to execute them yet.

wow i sure did fucking die for a bit huh. took like x8 my dose of ativan after having to miss an appointment cus my ride forgot about me and almost got in trouble at work for falling asleep in front of a patient (i mean i was kind of dying but we'll ignore that part i guess). had to also miss work because my other ride cancelled on me and i just feel like no one actually sees me as anything essential/something easily forgotten which is fun. therapy on tuesday yippee! gonna watch totoro with my bf when he comes over. hopefully tomorrow night. i can't stand work anymore i need to quit. i need to get my license. just fuckin something needs to change or i'll end it. everything is falling apart around me and im just not sure how much i can hold onto anymore. i dont want to be here.

wowie its been rough lol. i started a new anti-depressant a month ago and i follow up with my doctor on monday and I get to say "yeah im fantasizing about ending it all like three times a day. which is the same amount as when i started the med so its not a matter of concern lol." top surgery consult in a week from today so thats something! also been chatting and making friends on here which makes me super paranoid but its also kinda nice in the immediate time. work is driving me nuts and making me crazy and for some reason i decided to pick up more hours so we'll see how long it takes to have a mental breakdown!! apparently my radiating misery at work has gotten so bad that a coworker friend offered to write a letter to our boss FOR ME saying that i needed to switch departments due to being miserable. which is kind of hilarious in a fucked up way. got that "eat shit and die" aura that's making the work normies scared. get me back to slinging drugs in a hospital (pharmacy).

happy new year i got to kiss my boyfriend for new years which was so sexy of us. also taught him how to start his own neocities so maybe i'll link his somewhere on mine when he's comfortable enough with it. got some fun keychains and jewelry and socks i ordered online so yippee!!! shrimp socks!!!! also started playing the witcher 3 (not sure if i needed the first two games for story reasons but im honestly playing for the eye candy). depression has been meh. may have driven past a car on the side of the road immediately after they hit and killed a man and somehow forgot to mention that in therapy literally hours after finding out. mom just noticed that i got my eyebrow piercing redone (3 months ago. hasn't noticed the other two piercings i've gotten). dad didnt notice at all and he's the parent i live with. saw a cool band live and got to meet one of the members after the show which was awesome.

i fucking hate css i fucking hate css i fucking hate css why did it take me two DAYS to change the cursor. anyway i got a new piercing today (my other rook) and my piercer said i was one of her favorites (and i believe her because a couple weeks after my first piercing with her i sat like six rows in front of her at a concert and she came up to me during intermission and said she recognized me by the back of my head and wanted to say hi). and i got a ton of classic 90s-2000s rock CDs from the local thrift store. and farming simulator for xbox 360 lol. and i got to hug and kiss my pretty boyfriend AND im gonna kiss him for new years. final concert of the year this weekend just gotta make it through one more day!!

christmas has been weird this year. my mom got me some scrubs and an emergency kit for my car and some pokemon cards. got into a fight with my dad while driving but kinda made up about it. boyfriend wont be over for the holidays because he just moved to the other side of town which means he wont be able to see me as often until one of us learns to drive on our own. insomnia has been so awful, i'm really not ready to go back to work on tuesday. getting a new piercing wednesday tho, and going to a concert on friday. hopefully get to have my boyfriend for a new years kiss. he wants me to come to his work's christmas party, but i'm socially awkward and not used to the work environment he works in (small town pub and grill vs big town main medical clinic) so i'm not sure how that will fare. my new neighbors have their back porch light on all night for some ungodly reason and its shining right in my window and it's the only light outside except for the moon and stars so now i hate them forever.

list of things i got from work for christmas cus my work is super awesome: four pairs of socks- one fluffy soft and three character calf socks (looney tunes and fruity pebbles). some seasonal hand soap. $50 cash. so many damn hersheys kisses. a large hersheys kiss. a two litre of rootbeer. a scratch off ticket (won two bucks). a game called bananagrams. a good bougie candle (festive apples scent, a favorite). a cup for beverages with a lid and straw so i can use it at work (all beverages must be closed lid cus i work with computers).

what is up with ska as a genre? like. every ska band i see is always like "yeah we're a ska band that plays ska music, here's 10 songs about ska, each with 'ska' in the title of the song" and also always simultaniously fighting some kind of war against ska as well. i went to a ska punk concert a few weeks ago where one band played a song called "ska sucks" and the next band was selling a flag that says "god is dead - ska is not". its the only genre ive found that's so obsessed with its genre label. i fuckin love ska punk music tho, that shit goes stupid hard. anyway i had a coworker encourage me to talk to my boss about switching departments sooner because i "radiate an air of misery" that has caused several coworkers to reach out to her (as shes the only one im comfortable talking to) to make sure i was ok. so i gotta draft up an email eventually about that. finals this week! cant wait to fail all of my classes last minute! also new med starting today :)

i am currently being stared down by a lizard who thinks himself to be very intimidating. don't worry my darling jeep wrangler, you will have your feast tonight. at the same time as usual. which is not now. so quit staring at me. 3 exams left from this point forward and then a nice break from classes. my room is a mess but i managed to take my trash out (though not replace the trash bag) and put away my laundry. tomorrow i think i will hang out with my friends, and then the day after my sweet boyfriend will come to hang out with me and we will do gay shenanigans together. my therapy is getting fucked around again which sucks for my schedule and im trying not to let it make me spiral. it's so terribly easy to make me spiral these days. doctor said she suspects my chronic pain could be sciatica, but my coworker at the clinic says it sounds a lot like multiple sclerosis. hopefully i will be getting in to get some nerve testing done soon enough.

guess who definitely just bombed one final and is about to immediately bomb another exam! i hate this class so bad and this teacher that doesn't teach worth a shit. if i wanted to teach myself the damn course material i would have taken an online class. and even then I've managed to get a 4.0 and a 3.5 in my other two onlines without touching the textbook except on exam days. just heard someone walk in from the first exam and say "well i know i passed, just not sure if it's a C or a D". thank god there's this class and then next wednesday and then it's over. i am DONE. i want more days off to cuddle my sweet boyfriend and play my lawyer game. now they're talking about how the US education system sucks and im thinking to myself "do not get involved theyre just complaining no one in the room wants your 10 hour rant on how the education system is stacked against the average student".

im sooo tired i have been sleeping so much less than usual lately and I hate it. need to get my meds adjusted but my appointment is a week and a half out which isn't a long time but it is. trying to make this website look nice for my tumblr mutuals (if ur from tumblr and you see this haiii :3 anyway I started watching OFMD and im halfway through episode 3 and it seems cool so far! hard to watch with all the secondhand embarassment but i'm pushing through because it's also super funny and i hear good things about it! at some point I want to add a recommendations box to this site so people can recommend me music and shows and stuff. procrastinating my therapy homework too :P

let me preface this by saying that I am not an early bird; i am an insomniac. it is 6am and i have yet to sleep more than an hour. talking to new friends on tumblr is :3 ! my friend irl invited me to a party and i almost wanted to go but socially sounded like a nightmare cus i wouldn't really know anyone there and if i did it would have been jocks from HS who were a few grades older than me (not ideal bc my abuser was in his grade and kinda popular so I have no idea what that class of people thinks of me and i'd rather not find out). played a little bit of slime rancher and stardew but it's hard for me to sit still comfortably for very long and very few "comfortable" positions work for gaming :(

just got home from game night with friends and found family (absorbed into my best friend's family) and now best friend and bf are playing MTG on the floor. i have to study for a test that I lied for an extension on because I had the shittest day on the original day it was scheduled for. I know I can learn the material in the time I have but the teacher is awful (which is why i have to teach myself). Anatomy+Physiology could be so cool but I hate this douchebag. Listening to a Ludo CD I got at my local library book and media sale and I like how this guy's voice cracks. I had only heard "Love Me Dead" before but the whole album goes hard so far (only on track 5). I got my bf a big box of supernatural (tv show) stuff off of facebook marketplace and his smile was very beautiful when he got it. i also got us matching socks with dinosaurs on them. 2 human days left til the 5 day weekend!

good morning it is 2am and i havent slept yet and i want a pet armadillo. today i took my cat to the vet and everyone said she was so good and well behaved despite the fact that she cried for the entire half hour car ride to and from the clinic. she got 3 shots and has to take some pills in a couple of days. also had work and was so sleepy that i was falling asleep sitting straight up. realized that my ideal patient demographic is 40-60s women (usually smokers) who are very spitfire and sassy. they call me baby and sweetie and honey and make me laugh and definitely would casually drop the fact that they killed their first two husbands into a casual check-out conversation. i'm also surprisingly popular among the senior population for being pretty punk-ish looking (lots of piercings, raggedy unnatural red fauxhawk, etc). hope i get to sleep soon. 5 day weekend next week!